Long Time No Talk

Oh, hello there! So it’s been like forever or so since I contributed to this blog and I’d like to share some updates. Everything’s changed and yet, I reread these posts and so much is the same. I’m still teaching. Still medicated for ADHD and Depression. Still trying to be my best self with moderate success. Still struggling with negative self-talk due to previously mentioned ADHD and Depression. Trying to navigate mental health disorders in 2021 is bizarre and I have some thoughts. But first, here’s what’s new!

1. I got married again. He’s my favorite person ever and debating with him is the most frustrating thrill. I never thought I’d willingly attach myself permanently to another human being again, but when you find the missing piece of your puzzle, you can’t just let it get lost. Also, I got knocked up so…
2. I had another baby. Yep, one month after I turned 37, we welcomed our Rosie girl into the world. Named for Rosalind Franklin, this baby girl is the most high-maintenance extrovert I’ve ever known. My two teens are homebodies but this girl keeps asking when we can go see all the people at the park. This is my greatest nightmare, btw. Anyway, she’s four and brilliant and loves glitter.
3. Both the teens have been diagnosed with ADHD. Alex has been medicated since third grade, but my Sophie had a rough transition into middle school, typical inattentive ADHD stuff. She’s also dealt with some depression. They break out the big bag at the pharmacy when I go in for refills.
4. I self-published one of my stories. It’s called For the Summer and it’s very loosely based on the summers I spent at the river with my BFF’s family. I’m a published writer, peeps. I just uploaded my manuscript on Kindle Direct Publishing and now there’s an actual book with my name on it. Literally, anyone can do this. It’s no classic, but it’s my creation and it’s out there and people are reading it. And that’s pretty fucking amazing.
5. I’m on an indefinite running hiatus. My kneecaps are sitting sideways and the tissue around them is super soft so I’m having lots of knee issues. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained like 50 pounds. I’d like to pretend it’s baby weight, but my baby is four now. It sucks and I hate that I can’t run because I really do enjoy it. I enjoy racing with my friends and the comradery of the runner community. Instead, I’m in a fitness class at my local gym and I’m getting that comradery there. It’s at 5 am so we all bond over how miserable we are.

So that’s what’s going on in Camoozleland. I’m currently back in the classroom mitigating the social-emotional disaster that is post-quarantine fourth grade. It’s been a challenging start to the school year. The pandemic has really altered my perspective. I just can’t find it within myself to really care about the petty shit I used to stress about, like assessment data or being “lazy”. I thrived staying home during quarantine and loved having my family all to myself. Instacart and Postmates became my best friends. I practiced my writing and dabbled in direct sales and I loved loved loved having time. And now that I’ve had a taste of time, I want to spend it doing the things that give me the most satisfaction and I can’t and it pisses me off. It makes me depressed and I feel like I may be stuck in a perpetual state of chemically induced anti-depression for the rest of my life.

Speaking of chemicals, the mental health department at my hospital is a total shit show right now. My psychiatrist just freaking quit, so getting medication refills requires an act of Congress (yet another shit show). My therapist is booked and I’ve been on a waiting list for an appointment for months. My kids go without their meds frequently because I cannot order them online and have to go into the pharmacy to fill them. It’s the worst kind of irony that ADHD medication cannot be automatically refilled by mail. Do you even know how difficult it is to motivate someone with ADHD to do something they really don’t want to do i.e. take off work, which requires extensive planning for a sub, to stand in line at the pharmacy once a month? At least we’re all on the same medication, which we should definitely be able to buy in bulk.

Lastly, I think I’m dealing with some survivor’s guilt. My husband and I had COVID last Christmas. We quarantined with all three kids, include the baby and none of them had symptoms. My husband and I hated life for a good 10-14 days, and I think I developed a gluten allergy triggered by the virus. But we’re fine. The kids are fine. We’re vaccinated and boosted now, but several members of my extended family have had COVID numerous times, and they’re all fine. I have friends who have lost parents and partners in the last two years and I feel guilty as all hell that my family has, so far, escaped unscathed. I don’t even like putting this out in the universe, but it’s something I’m struggling with. I can’t believe how fortunate we’ve been and I vacillate between expecting something horrible to happen and feeling like shit because this pandemic hasn’t traumatized me. Or maybe this guilt is the trauma? I don’t know and I don’t know how to process these feelings and I can’t get a damn appointment with my therapist, so here it is.

I’ve Got Friends in Low Places

You know you like that song.  It reminds me of being a little girl on a ranch, smelling of horses and sweat with foxtails in my socks and mud under my fingernails.

In shoving this blog down the throat of every person I know, I’ve gotten some great feedback.  Many of you can relate, you have similar stories, you have more devastating stories, but the general idea I’m getting is that depression is everywhere.  I want to know why.  Were ancient people depressed too or this more of a modern phenomenon?  Are other countries depressed?  I wonder if primitive societies were plagued with depression.  If I had to hunt for survival and worry about keeping my children safe from hungry predators, would I really have time to be depressed?  The harsh conditions of early man challenged his intelligence and forced him into creative problem solving.  Depression limits motivation, even for satisfying basic needs and in today’s society, our basic needs can be attended to with the simple click of a mouse.   You can even order groceries online now.  I’m pretty sure if I had been a part of a hunter/gatherer society, I’d have been picked off long ago. Our American lives today are comparatively nice and cushy.  Why are we so sad?

The internet tells me that the cause for depression could be many things, but one common thread rings true: it starts in the brain.  I’m assuming our brains have evolved to adapt to the different challenges modern man faces.  So why the depression?  What purpose in nature does it serve?

Due to my insatiable curiosity, I thought I’d research a little bit more and turns out lots of people already thought of this.  And they published it on the internet!  Oh, glorious internet.

http://bigthink.com/ideas/18893?page=all

Can depression be good for us?  A good friend once told me that she always tries to be the very best version of herself.  Is depression nature’s way of telling us it’s time to evolve, that there’s a better version of me available for update?

My depression didn’t reach a debilitating state until I was twenty-eight but I’ve had symptoms for years.  Why is that?  I know while I was in school, I never had a free moment.  I worked many jobs, overloaded my school schedule, had play rehearsal, Rainbow ( a service group for young women, similar to girl scouts), hung out with friends.  I didn’t rest, let alone think about my feelings.  I’d get sad, sure, but I had so many responsibilities, I’d push those feelings aside.  I didn’t feel truly depressed until I didn’t have anything to do.

Have I just bored myself into depression?  It seems to me, a lot of people use distractions (read:  internet, food, drugs, alcohol, porn, books, music, movies, television, hobbies, work) to occupy their brain.  I did.  They’re listed in priority, by the way ;). The more I didn’t have to think about all the dark matter in my head, the more I’d depend on those distractions.  And when I was sitting at home with an infant and a toddler and the distractions were gone, my brain wouldn’t shut up about it.

This disease sucks and it’s hard and there are people out there who lose their battle with depression every day.   When you’re in it, you feel like it’s impossible for things to change, like there is no better version of existence.  This is what I am.  Fuck you, self-help, this is how my life is always going to be, these distractions are what feel good so that’s what I’m going to do, (Then I barked a couple times, just like DMX).  It wasn’t until I met people whose positive energy spanned continents to reach me that I became aware of the fact that depression can be defeated.  That I can change how I feel about myself.  Hearing the stories of others gave me faith in the process.

Regardless whether this article is bullshit or not, I’m choosing to believe that my depression is going to lead to a healthier, more confident version of myself.  That this whole experience is good for me, because when I live through it, I’m going to be a more highly evolved creature.  I will be better prepared to guide my children through their evolution as well.   Instead of festering in negative energy, I can be a positive life force, just like those people who’ve inspired me.  And that’s the best distraction in the world.